See Buffy Elimidate
by Fire and Tutu
Summary: The utter non-sanity of what happens when Buffy and other various male char. go on the wildly popular show, Elimi-date!
1. Round 1

Disclaimer #1: We do not own anything that relates to "Elimidate". Why would we? Have you not seen our bio? Read it, you'll understand.  
  
Disclaimer #2: FANTA!!! (We don't own) We also don't own anything Buffy related that is owned by someone else. Joss, we're lookin' at you!  
  
Pairing: This is for us to know and you to wonder at!! Bwahahah...oh. Um...B/A, B/S, B/R, B/B, B/Andrew. You'll understand.  
  
Author's Notes from Tutu: Kay, we are lacking sanity in this fic. Are we sorry? You'd think we would be! But nooooooooo! We like being insane. We are evil partners in crime. Yes, we are evil! Well, no. We're actually really goody-two-shoes. We have this one friend who tells us that everyday. But he's not here right now, are ya, you bastard! J/K You're a good guy when you're not annoying. Wow...I'm still typing. I should stop...  
  
Author's Notes from Fire: I fended off the bug! He tried to eat me but I rolled up some papers and swatted at him. He tried to come after me, but I triumphed!!! Um...anyways. Yeah. We wrote a fic. About Buffy. And Angel. And Spike. And Riley, and Andrew, and Ben. Does anyone even really remember Ben that much? Tutu is suprisingly more insane than I. Yup it's true! Bwahahahaha@haha.evilorg!!!!  
  
Dedication: To that stinkin' fly! And to Gerry, just 'cuz we mentioned you in the notes. You hate Buffy, and you're never gonna see this, but since this is most likely the only thing that'll get dedicated to you, be happy! And to the football player I haven't seen in 4 whole weeks!!! Look, Tutu, see? I am not getting mushy! ::dreamy look:: um...what were we talking about? Oh, right. Dedications. And Little Debbie for so many happy lunches!  
  
Feedback: Ner der. Of course we want some. It's the only thing that keeps us going. Except for FANTA!  
  
**************************************  
  
A lone blonde walks, poised, through a crowded mall-way (get it? Mall, hallway, hahaha!) Um...where was I? Oh, yeah. A large Green Demon steps out of the shadows.  
  
She wanders aimlessly, in search of her one true love.  
  
Green Demon : And today is her lucky day!  
  
Suddenly, this 'poised' (*authors laughs terribly) young, blonde is surrounded by thousands of cameras! Well, not thousands, but imagine that there's a lot of them.  
  
Buffy: Stay away! I'll slay you!  
  
Green Demon: No you won't! Because your Slayer senses automatically register I am in fact a good demon and will cause no harm to you or your family. Why might you ask?  
  
Buffy: Why?  
  
Green Demon (who is Lorne by the way): Because you are our newest contestant for "ELIMIDATE!"  
  
Audience applauds. I'm sorry, audience applauds *wildly*. Buffy looks around for audience, sees none, shrugs, and then asks about the prizes she'll get.  
  
Buffy: What kind of prizes will I get?  
  
Lorne: Shush you small Blonde. Anyway, would you like to see your five fabulous suitors?  
  
Buffy: I'm still confused.  
  
Lorne: I know. Well, here we go!  
  
Three suitors walk in, (though one saunters), all wearing matching navy suits. Riley Finn, Andrew (ya know, Tucker's little brother), and Ben when suddenly, a blanket comes running across the mall.  
  
Spike: I'm not a bloody blanket you sodding writers! And I know neither of you are British so don't go along butchering my bloody language!  
  
*Authors shake nervously*  
  
Buffy: Who are you? Wait! Lemme guess. you were once a gruesome, terrible vampire who caused pain all over Europe, 'til you were infamously known for your evil ways! But then you were cursed with a soul from a Gypsy clan 'cuz you accidentally ate their favorite daughter! Now you're a brooding man/demon trying to atone for all of the lives you've taken.  
  
Spike: No! I'm Spike! Why do people keep trying to turn me into an Angel- copy?  
  
While flustering in his anger, he threw off the blanket, forgetting there was a large skylight above him. So he quickly turned to dust and Buffy weeped. But then the authors realized that we needed him, so he reappeared in a flash of blinding light!  
  
Spike: Thanks for nothing! Now can we please skip my extreme character flaws and move onto the story?  
  
Lorne&Buffy: Sure.  
  
Spike: Thank you. Now, back to my original point before I was so rudely killed, how are we supposed to do this dating thing when two of us can't be in the sunlight?  
  
Buffy: There's two of you?  
  
Spike: Yes, Angel's brooding behind the "Le Sux at Baking" bakery. He won't come out until later tonight. He's got a major sweet tooth, you see.  
  
Buffy: Who's Angel? Oh! Lemme guess.  
  
Lorne: Hold on there lil' miss yapper! This show's only 30 minutes long. We need to wrap this up.  
  
Buffy: So the dates are almost over?  
  
Lorne: Of course not. The producers just don't like it when you ramble about things that you know about but only pretend that you don't know about.  
  
Spike: Hey! What about my question! How are we two ruggishly handsome vampires supposed to be a part of this with the frilly sun up?  
  
Lorne: Don't worry. The producers are working on changing the vampire lore. By tomorrow you two will be able to walk out in the sun with only minimal skin damage.  
  
Buffy: Wait, how long is this date gonna be?  
  
Lorne: Well lil' miss annoying, it's gonna be a week long. Depending on how many of the suitors live of course.  
  
Riley: Yippee! Does this mean sex?  
  
Lorne: Absolutely! Sex sells you know.  
  
Ben: I know.  
  
Andrew: How would you know anything about sex?  
  
Ben: Because I have been in successful porn films such as "Buffy the Vampire Layer" and "Honey, I Didn't Shrink the Kids".  
  
Riley: Oh yeah, I've seen those. You look a lot buffer on t.v.  
  
Ben: That's because I had a very bad accident with Botox a couple of months ago. Don't ever get plastic surgery done by a drunken biker.  
  
Lorne: Well that was about as interesting as Whitney Houston singing Puddle of Mudd. Now, we can all shut up and get the date groove on.  
  
*Dances to terrible Diana Ross music* (However, one of the authors pouts 'cuz she's a fan of The Supremes)  
  
Buffy: Stop that.  
  
Lorne: Make me!  
  
Buffy kicks his green ass over to the discount section.  
  
Lorne: Ha! I can't be hurt, because I'm the Host.  
  
Buffy kicks his green ass again.  
  
Lorne: Stop that lil' miss skinny.  
  
Lorne kicks her skinny ass over to the 50% off section.  
  
So naturally, she comes back and the fighting ensues so badly that the authors jump into the computer screen and try to make it stop. They do since they're the authors and have control over everything. Bwahahaha@haha.evilorg.  
  
Lorne: Okay, now the dating shall commence. For real!  
  
Riley: Yippee! Sex!  
  
************************************  
  
TBC. see? No sanity! 


	2. Lack of Plot

Disclaimer: We don't own any of the characters, the real game show, or Mississippi. Or Texas. But we may or may not own parts of Oregon.  
  
Disclaimer #2: Um.We don't make any profit with this. But then again, why would we? We're posting this online. So, yeah. This is fiction, We're fans. FANfiction.  
  
Pairing: B/A, S, B, R, and Andrew  
  
Fire's Author notes: I think you're supposed to write these after you've written the chapter, so I will stop now and continue them afterwards. Yes, that's what I wrote Tutu. Tutu get the damn Dr. Pepper your self, you're a lazy hobo! Bring it! I'm not afraid of you!!!  
  
Tutu's Author notes: I'm gonna write my notes before the story, just 'cuz I'm sane. And you should get me the Dr. Pepper. It's your cup. Therefore, in Tutu's theory land, it is your responsibility to get me pants and Dr. Pepper. That's just the way it is. Live with it. Anyway, read the story. Tell us if we're elephants or white rhinos. I believe that we're some sick hybrid of both animals.  
  
Dedicated: To Australian Frilled Lizards!!! And to the hope that some day our countries national colors will be chartreuse and lime. Actually it's dedicated to Sarah Michelle Gellar and David Boreanez. We love you both, in very different ways.  
  
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It's a dark, stormy night. Ha! Just kidding! It's actually a bright, sunny day where happy people are dancing, singing (terribly), and frolicking from roller coaster to roller coaster. That's right, there's frolic! The happy sun people are skipping, except for that large, beefy woman standing in the corner, with crazy, shifty eyes. And her sinister looking penciled-in eyebrows.  
  
The sun shines down on the amusement park, enhancing the amusement in the park. (hahahaha) The birds twitter and tweet in the spirit of happiness. But something lurks in the corner by the bathroom. There is no song and dance there. The something lurks in the shadows beneath an old fun house, long out of order. (A/N: Not literally underneath)  
  
Cautiously an arm is extended out of the darkness. The moment sunlight falls upon the white, white, white, really white, like-we're-not-kidding- white, He's-been-dead-a-long-time-white skin, the arm snakes back into the shadows like a jet plane. A really fast jet plane. A super, Uber-fast Jet plane. Like-really-really-we're-not-kidding-fast-fast-jet plane. Fast-Fast!  
  
Spike (hesitantly, which is weird 'cuz he likes to talk, a lot): A-are we sure it's okay?  
  
Angel (he's also hesitant, and worried, that's why he's sweating so much even though his body is technically dead): I don't know. Let me brood about it.  
  
Angel broods. But he can't brood hard enough. He's such a failure.  
  
Lorne: Okay. Sissy and Sissy pants, you need to work on your fear of sunshine later on the show when you die.  
  
Spike: We die?  
  
Lorne: Everybody dies someday.  
  
Angel: Not us! We're immortal! We'll be here when the Earth gets sucked into this big black hole and everything there is so different, that we'd have to read backwards!  
  
Lorne: You're a freak.  
  
Angel: Yes, but you're green.  
  
Lorne (in shock): What? Oh my God, I am! Who did this? Who did this?  
  
Large, beefy woman shifts eyes that are under sinister penciled-in eyebrows.  
  
Lorne: Anyway, now that I'm over my trauma, lets get the date started.  
  
Lorne grabs their sexy jacket collars and pulls them out into the light that emanates from this large, yellow orb that floats in the sky. But people from North Dakota call it the sun. Freaks.  
  
Angel/Spike: Aaaahhhhhh! We're melting! We're melting!  
  
Angel: Wait. We don't melt, we burn.  
  
Spike: 'oh yeah.  
  
Angel/Spike: Aaaaaah we're burning! We're burning!  
  
Angel: I deserve this so I shall take this punishment with dignity and grace.  
  
Spike: No! I won't die! Yes I have a soul! But I'm evil! No, good! No, evil! No! I'm a democratic! Someone find a fire extinguisher!  
  
Buffy appears suddenly because the Zen Master sent her to save the day. But she doesn't.  
  
Buffy: You're not burning. You look a little tan, tan-as-in-you-don't-look- as-dead-now. Be thankful.  
  
Angel: 'oh my God! You're the most beautiful creature that I've ever seen!  
  
Buffy: You're only saying that 'cuz you have a thing for blondes.  
  
Spike: He better not. I may not be a natural blonde, but many find my peroxide color near normal.  
  
Angel: I don't think you're attractive.  
  
Andrew (who appeared suddenly because Obi Wan sent him): Do you find me attractive?  
  
Angel: No. well.. No.  
  
Andrew becomes sullen and buys cotton candy. Which makes him extremely hyper so he starts jumping sixty feet into the air and sings "I Think I'm a Clone Now". Buffy cringes but finds it sexy. She has issues.  
  
Spike: Okay, the only way I'll be able to get that bloody image out of my mind is to have therapy sex. (Looks at Buffy expectently)  
  
Buffy: Wait until I'm depressed.  
  
Spike: Okay.  
  
Buffy: Where is everybody? I'm supposed to have five men, right? Where are my sexy cuddles?  
  
Lorne: Hold on there lil' Miss. Piss. They should be here any minute now! Wait, look up in the sky!  
  
Angel: It's a banshee wearing a tutu!  
  
Spike: No! It's a paper bag in flames!  
  
Buffy: No! It's a man in tights! And/or tight spandex. And they're purple!  
  
(Fire jumps in and saves any shred of dignity that Riley might have left and puts him in army fatigues.)  
  
Riley (to Author: But I like purple. It's a very sensitive color. Buffy must know I'm sensitive. Tell her that!  
  
Fire: Shut Up. I'm in charge. I have cosmic writing powers.  
  
Tutu: You'd think that, wouldn't you? God you're so selfish. Go buy me those damn pants!  
  
Fire notices that she and Tutu are in the middle of a story and goes back to writing.  
  
Riley, now dressed sexily in army fatigues (and hiding purple socks, 'cause he's sensitive on the inside) Floats down out of the sky, having just parachuted out of an airplane at 14,000 ft.  
  
He lands amidst the cameras and awed spectators. Now, assured of his uber- coolness, he struts towards Buffy. The awed spectators, having become a crowd, spot Tony the Tiger and run off to mob him.  
  
Riley: (shrugs) So much for fame.  
  
Buffy: I'm not impressed. (She flips her hair *indignantly*) I have a thing for men without pulses. And nerdy computer freaks who are blonde and have an odd love for Yoda.  
  
Everyone looks at Andrew.  
  
Andrew: Yay! I'm Sexy. That means I'm sexy right? (Muttering under his breath) I always knew I was sexy. I just had to wait for the rest of the world to notice.  
  
He then flies all over the world, announcing his sexiness. Women of all ages fall in love with him, but he chooses a Russian princess and lives in a very large castle with sexy waiters. But it doesn't work out, so their thirty-second marriage becomes a total failure, so he flies back to Elimidate. Buffy smiled. Angel drooled. Spike got drunk and fell on his ass. All under a minute! (A/N: We really do have cosmic writing powers)  
  
Angel (who has fallen passionately in love with Buffy): I'm gonna strip!  
  
Ben: No! You don't know how! (Ben also appeared suddenly, but that's because he has a woman living inside of him. He'll come out of the closet sooner or later)  
  
Angel: Can you teach me?  
  
Ben: No, I wanna swim  
  
But since there's no swimming pool, they all decide to *finally* get to the date.  
  
Lorne: For those of you who are blind, we are in an amusement park for the first part of the date.  
  
Angel: None of us are blind.  
  
Lorne: No, but you're all idiots.  
  
All look hurt. But they get over it fast because of their short-term memory.  
  
Lorne: You each will go on a ride with Buffy to get to know her. Andrew will go on a roller coaster with her.  
  
Andrew: I'm allergic to roller coasters.  
  
Lorne: Life's tough. Riley and Buffy will go on that thing where the seats are shaped like eggs and you go around and around 'til you empty your stomach of your breakfast burrito.  
  
Riley: I had pancakes, I don't like burritos.  
  
(A/N: Tutu and Fire are deeply offended because we are from the southwest and take our food very seriously. But don't worry, we'll punish him soon.)  
  
Fire: But not too harshly, 'cause I like Riley. Even with his horrid dislike of burritos. *shivers with horror*  
  
Buffy: I'm not impressed. (She flips her hair *indignantly*)  
  
Lorne: Spike and Buffy will go into the fun house together.  
  
Spike: I'm a Republican!  
  
Lorne: Right. Go away.  
  
Spike doesn't, but he does buy an elephant.  
  
Lorne: Buffy and Ben will go on the water ride. Do you wanna get wet?  
  
Ben: Sure. I've been told I'm very sexy when I'm glistening.  
  
Lorne: And finally, Buffy and Angel will go on the merry-go-round.  
  
Angel and Buffy smile. But then they realize that a lot of little kids peed on all of the plastic horses and they become terribly terrified.  
  
Lorne: Right then. Since we wasted so much time, and wasted a butt-load of money (A/N: The authors do know that Lorne would never say butt-load, but guess what? COSMIC POWERS!) So, we shall continue this next time on."ELIMIDATE"!  
  
Buffy, her five suitors, Lorne and Fred the Camera guy go into a football huddle.  
  
Riley: Blue 42.  
  
Every one stares at him like he just grew two pigs out of his armpits.  
  
Riley: Sorry, I just kinda got into the spirit of things.  
  
(Tutu laughs, because Fire just wrote that, yet Fire always makes fun of Tutu's school spirit.) (Fire does not!) (Fire does too!)  
  
Anyway, the group, huddled together, shouts "Break!" in unison and rushes home whooping and screaming. All's well in the world. Except for the large, beefy woman with crazy, shifty eyes and sinister looking penciled-in eyebrows. What is she up too?  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Fire's Author Notes: This is fun to write. Does anyone ever read Author Notes? I could go on and on about goats and armpit anomalies and everyone might not notice. Yay Buffy! 


End file.
